This segment has been mostly laughable in the years since we started. We’ve pondered killing it. We’ve pondered different ways of doing it. But in the end, we just keep coming back to the mythical $10,000 bankroll that both of us usually manage to piss away well before the season ends.

So, please, for the love of God, don’t use these bets for anything more than entertainment purposes.

Here are the opening standings:

Bankroll
Andy $10,000
Tony $10,000

And here are our first bets for the 2019 season:

Tony:

Ahhh, the signs of a new football season—the crisp fall air, the sound of pads popping, and the stank of imaginary cigarette smoke as I head into the imaginary sports book to place my imaginary bets. With sports betting now legal just across the border in Iowa…wonder how long before this column becomes a problem for one of us?

$1,000 – Bears (-3, -120) over Packers – I don’t love getting -120 on this game, but then again, the better payout bets haven’t worked that well for me in the past either. …but I love only giving three points with the Bears at home. Where’s the prop bet on how long it takes for the NBC crew to show Aaron Rodgers sulking to the sidelines in disgust over Matt LaFleur’s offense? (5:22 in the 3rd quarter) Or the Over/Under on the number of “Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur” references on Twitter (approximately 27,422)? These are the bets I want to make.

$1,000 – Chiefs (-3.5, +100) over Jaguars – Several places have the line at -3, -120, but one online sports book has it at this line, and I’m sure they’re above board with a name like “Sports Betting.” The Jags attempt to solve their QB issues by bringing in Nick Foles to work with John DeFilippo … we get to see if the stories of Leonard Fournette being in shape and focused are for real … but we also get to see Patrick Mahomes try to keep up the torrid pace from last year. Even with the questions on the run game, I think the King of Regular Season Wins Andy Reid can start the season on the right foot.

$1,000 – Ravens (-7, -110) over Dolphins – I’ve seen a few people tell me to take the home underdog, especially the first few weeks of the season. But what if the underdog is likely to be the underdog in every game it plays? I read reports earlier this week that one of the two players vying for the starting LT spot to replace Laremy Tunsil this week is Danny Isidora — I don’t know where the battle ended up, because when one of the guys fighting for the left tackle spot was playing guard (Editor’s note: More like trying to play – he wasn’t going to see the field) for another team a week ago … how important is it who wins the battle? I’m more curious what the Dolphins are going to get when they try and trade Josh Rosen next season after taking a QB at #1 overall.

$500 – Texans (+260 money line) over Saints – Yes, they’re on the road. Yes, they just made a bevy of questionable trades. But here’s the deal—they improved their LT spot incredibly by getting rid of Matt Kalil—bringing in Tunsil was a bonus. The Hyde deal is pretty much a non-starter, since Duke Johnson will likely get the bulk of the work replacing Lamar Miller anyway (at least early), and Miller was never anything that special. And they’ve been prepared to play without the overrated Clowney all preseason anyway. That makes them the only team with a money line paying over +200 that I think has much of a chance this week.

Andy:

So, I’ve been particularly embarrassing in this segment for years. This year will be different, I swear. I’ve even bought a couple books to study from. I’m taking the casinos for a ride this year.

$800 – Kansas City at Jacksonville: Under 52.5 (-110) – Ok, Blake Bortles is out, Nick Foles is in. Still, where are the Jaguars points going to come from? They’re built more on the idea that the defense will keep the other team’s score low and Leonard Fournette will kill clock. As a four-point underdog, Vegas still has Jacksonville contributing something like 24 points. I don’t see it.

$800 – Baltimore (-7, +100) at Miami – The experts say it’s often good to look for home underdogs to bet on. Not in this game. The Dolphins have made pretty clear their intentions: They really don’t want to win. Traded the left tackle. Traded a relatively solid WR. It would have been almost criminal to take this at -4 when it was first posted. This one should provide opportunities for new starting QB Lamar Jackson and new RB Mark Ingram to get off to good starts. If the Ravens don’t win this one handily, it’s going to be a long season in Baltimore.

$500 – Carolina (+3, -110) vs Los Angeles – Here’s my home dog. Rams traveling across the country to the east coast for a noon kickoff. Panthers looking to prove they aren’t the team that finished 1-7 last year. There are those out there saying the Rams might take a step back this year after a bad performance in the Super Bowl. I don’t know about that, but I do expect the season to get off to a rough start.

$400 – Houston (+270 money line) at New Orleans – Am I truly on board with this? Not necessarily. But I like Deshaun Watson. I like that the Texans found him a left tackle. I like that Will Fuller is healthy, at least so far. I like the fit Duke Johnson is for this offense. The Saints are a Super Bowl contender, but in a week when there aren’t a lot of money lines worth betting against, I’ll take a chance on a Houston team that has a ton of talent that it just hasn’t been able to put fully together yet.